Something new...?

I wander off for a bit and blogger.com goes and changes, i mean, *ahem* grows up.  Yea, that's it.  Well, i have to admit.  I sort of feel a little lost, but i shall figure it out.  I always do.

By the gods, i can hardly believe it's been five months since i wrote here.  Wow.  Weird and a tad bit strange.  Must be the meds, but i am neither pleased nor displeased about the change.  It is what it is.

Do i know you?  Not likely.  Most people never take the time to show their real selves to one another.  Everyone is always hiding and dodging.  *sigh*  It's all very boring you know.  Wouldn't life be so much more exciting if people would just be themselves?  I think so.  ~_^

Lately, i've been on a bit of a tirade.  It's quite simple really.  I don't have much love for people.  My own mother called me a cynic.  Well, she would, but that's not the point.  She's right.  Kind of a once-in-a-blue-moon type of thing for her.  To be right that is.  I have become a cynic.  I despise people; basically all humanity in general.  *shrugs*  People suck.  They are selfish, cruel, self-absorbed, ignorant, rude, and all-around completely idiotic.

Recently, i've been carting somewhat of a soapbox around.  Do you know what i mean when i say "everyone's a winner attitude"?  Didn't think so.  Let me remunerate for you.  This attitude is what i see in so many people today.  It's a sort of persuasion and conviction they don't have to work all that hard for anything or when they make a mistake there aren't any real consequences to deal with.  I believe it come from the need to reward losers.  Yes, you heard me right.

Losers are the team that didn't win, the first one to lose all their cards in go-fish, the people who didn't come in first, second, or third place in anything, the one who fell through the monkey bars instead of walking across them, the one who is last to base and becomes it, and, well, i think you see my point.  My issue are the parents who let their children win at things instead of making them learn how to play or figure out strategies to win.  It's with the coaches and organizations that insist on giving everyone in the league a "participation trophy".  It's the schools who let second-graders use calculators instead of working the problem out on paper.  It's with the spectators who cheer on the kid in last place without knowing the kid was lazy, didn't practice, and it's his own fault he's tangled in the hurdles.  Am i getting my point across?  Good.

Nobody deserves a job simply because they want/need one.  No one needs to win the lottery.  Not a single person is supposed be paid better.  Since when do you not have to work to achieve something?  *sigh*  It's been pushing my buttons lately.  I hear people complaining all the time about how things aren't "fair" and how everything is so "hard".  All i can think is "Seriously?!" and walk away.  Although, admittedly, i am keeping my mouth shut less and less.

Political correctness be damned.  Who do these people think they are?  Worse is, they actually are our future.  How is it then my kids don't act like that?  No clue.  Maybe i dropped them hard enough the first time.  *shrugs*  ~_^  We will have to see what the future brings i suppose.

There's a monster over me.

In my current state of mind, i don't believe i should be writing anything. Likely, i should be finding opportunities to be a member of a demolition crew. You know, one of those who use sledgehammers to tear down walls... Yea, that's what i should be doing.

Except. I'm not.

Here i sit. Writing pointless words i don't have the courage to speak out loud. Pretending i'm a happy, peaceful person has it's toll and that facade has come to collect it's dues. I almost feel as if my sanity is slipping away from me and i'm helpless to stop any of it.

An addiction. It's JUST an addiction. I should be able to decide to merely shut if off. That's what everyone expects. Even those who have already been able to shed the same addiction. No fuss. Like a switch. Off and i'll somehow be free.

I need to quit smoking. My husband's budget for this year dictates i need to. No pressure. My health dictates i need to, even if it's already too late. No pressure. My family doesn't think i'm capable. No pressure. My children expected instant results. No pressure. My in-laws feel the need to remind me "gently" how badly my smoking impacts our household budget. No pressure. Ad nauseum. No pressure.

Yea. Right.

What no one knows is my smoking is holding it all back. All that lies behind the mask of happy peacefulness. The grief i've never expressed, the words i've held back to not hurt when the painful truth should've surfaced, the lies i told to survive, the angers, the frustrations, the self-loathing, the self-doubt, the worthlessness i was taught to feel, the... well, everything no one has ever seen.

I'm afraid i will be a different person and those few who love me will cease to care because they won't know who i am anymore. I realize this is unlikely and love doesn't just take a nosedive like that, but i can't help the fear. It's there and it grabs at my insides like a snake squeezing the life from it's prey.

The less i smoke the more frightened i feel.

Every time i try to cold turkey, all it takes is one bout of anxiety and, poof, i've failed again. Failed everyone. Even as i satisfy myself.

Maybe my mother is right. Maybe i've never been "right in the head" enough to be okay and smoking hides those things... Maybe she's wrong... I don't know. I'm terribly afraid though. Regardless.

All i know is i need to quit. And it hurts. Can i be stronger than this pain? I don't know.

I feel adrift and lost.

No clue.

Honestly, does anyone have a clue? A real one? I sure don't and it has me feeling a little lost and concerned.

I went to my sister's house today to hang out because i was in need of some socialization. Instead, i wind up babysitting so she can "get out of the house". Ironically, this is exactly why i don't generally go to visit her. I'm always being asked for something or another. Usually before i've even had the chance to really walk in the door.

So, i sit and wonder, what the hell was i thinking? Seriously.

I gets better since my younger brother was also at my sister's house. Presumably to watch the child in question since my sister needed to get loose from her home. So, without asking me if i was okay with it, he then makes plans and goes out. Leaving me with my sister's offspring until whatever time someone decides to come home. Because i obviously have no life to get back to.

Don't people know they at least would like to be asked? As if they are actually considered in some way even when they aren't really?

People suck. Truly.

I should've stayed at home. At least i would be getting to do what i want that way. I could asked myself if i wanted to do whatever. At the very least i would be considered...

/rant