The highest price.

I keep thinking i may be going completely crazy.  People are such idiots.  Seriously.

I can't imagine what people believe they are going to achive by lying to others.  Especially when it includes lying to themselves.  Really?!  What a bunch of numbskulls.  Blah.

I'm good.  Truly.  I abhor ignorant stupid people.  Kind of like a pet peeve.  I'd much rather they didn't waste my time and the oxygen around us by opening their mouthes.  Not kidding.

Onward.

I'm trying to be upbeat.  Is it working?  Didn't think so.

Well, that was fun while it lasted.  I'm over it now.

You know, it's really too bad.  I can be such an upbeat person face to face.  Oh, wait.  That would be because no one wants to hear what is bothering me.  Ever.  So i have to keep it to myself and, hopefully, dump it here.

It's a plan, if i do say so myself.

So, the latest thing to be bugging me?  Still the same.  It always lasts for a while after i see her again.  Friends.  Just friends.  She always wants to be friends with her exes.  I wonder if she realizes that i am still friends with her because it's better than not having her in my life at all?  Probably not.

Come to think of it, she never did say she didn't notice that.  Hmm...

It's funny.

We couldn't be together the way she wanted because i can't divorce my husband.  If i do and something happens to me, being single would leave my kids open to being taken by my biological family.  Let's just say it would not be a good thing.  Not in the least.

So, i said i couldn't.  I had long since realized my kids had a right to keep me in their life the way they always have had me.  After all, i didn't come out until after i had them and they did nothing wrong, duh.  My first priority and responsibility is to them.  No one, not ever does anyone come before them.  Not even myself.

Unfortunately, no one else agreed with that except my husband.  Granted, he simply wanted to keep me in his life and was afraid i would just disappear if we split.  It's a justifiable fear considering all the other women in my family had done the same thing to the fathers of their kids.  I was the only one to get married and have all my kids with one man only.  Yea, my biological family has some very undesirable legacies.

I finally felt okay to be me.  I finally let myself be me.  Trouble with that is all the other people our lives are connected with.  Either by choice, chance, or happenstance.  So, four years ago i came out.  It felt good.  Still does.  For all the drama, i don't regret it.

Since i was finally being honest about myself, i found it easier to be honest with others and to expect honesty in return.

The problem is things happened and people formed opinions.  They created ideas and decided judgements.  Oh my...  It never ends.

I just...

Oy.

My words escape me.

A rose and a memory.

The feel of your skin against mine.

Soft.

Warm.

Familiar.

You.

The hug as we part in farewell always last longer than "just friends".  It's our signature.  They way we convince ourselves we're doing the right thing by being apart.  How we tell ourselves to let go this one more time.  Even though it is getting harder and harder to let go.  For us both.

We fit so perfectly together in each other's arms.  Our bodies aligned.  Head to toe.  As if we were made to fit together exactly right every single time we touch.

The urge to reach out and touch you is nearly impossible to resist.  Do you really feel it?  Or am i falling into wishful thinking?  Mayhap i was only dreaming you in the first place...

A desire to be near.

A need to be closer.

A want to be just us.

Only us.

Without the world looking in...

     ...commenting...

     ...persuading...

     ...needing...

     ...talking...

     ...wanting...

     ...provoking...

Us.

Only us.

The world with all it's talk and opinion of what "is" and what "should be" between us.

Do you remember letting the world into us?

Do those shattered pieces of dreams and memories burn you still?

I'm waiting for the silence to come again.  The one you bring and i never have the courage to break.  The silence you need to create because you can't allow the feelings to fill you up.

I know what would happen if you let me fill you with my love...

You would depise yourself because you believe me not good enough for you since i'm not your ideal partner, and you would hate me for loving you so much.

After all, there has to be something, someone better for you, doesn't there?

I believe you deserve so much amazement and fulfillment...
So much more than i can give...

I admit, i settled.
You should never be tamed or tied down.
My baggage is so very heavy...

Will you regret?

Please forgive yourself when i am gone.

After all...
I agreed with your decision...
I let you leave me...
I didn't fight hard enough to keep you...
I was never good enough for you...

Please.  Forgive me.

Forgive yourself.

The sound of your voice took me to the ghosts of memories i have forgotten...

I want to never forget anything about you...
...yet i forget because there is so much time between memories now...

I know you need things to be this way, but maybe you could forgive me when i don't remember something?

I never forget my love for you.  It's part of my soul.  Our memories together are merely details which decorate my love for you.

Memory fades...

In time, all memory fades...

Some day, you will forget to come to me...

Then, i will begin to fade from your memories...

You are my beloved one.

My only beloved.

For all time.

My beloved is lost...

You forgot something when you left...

While you were busy running away and being noble, you forgot something...

In all your reasons of why you couldn't love me as i love you, you forgot something...

When touting your truth as absolute and only, you forgot something...

You forgot about me.

Hovering ever near the surface, plain as the nose on your face, was the lie you told yourself every single day.  All that time... you spent so much time trying to convince yourself that you weren't in love with me... so you robbed us of any chance at the life together we both needed.  We deserved to be happy... together.

You're searching for the perfect forever instead of the one who fits to you perfectly.

You have no notice of the one whose faults balance your own.  You search for one without fault in your eyes.

You left me behind...
Because of my ignorance...
Because of your arrogance...

Maybe there is a better person for you out there.  I hope so.

Of course, maybe i'm the chance you lost.

I hope you get another go.

I didn't.