Lose My Self?

In a world where self is all, being different should be celebrated. Key words here: should be. Yet society constantly demonizes the unique qualities of an individual for straying from the status quo.

We live in a "me" society.

As long as your "me" doesn't differ from the collective "me".

Almost as if the world was saying, "It's all about me, but that 'me' is too different."

How many ways can we say hypocrite?

Exactly.

Wouldn't it be reasonable to then think the prejudice against unique differences is rooted in jealousy? As if the self of society in general sees the differences as something greater or more worthwhile. Unfortunately, it stands to reason. How very sad for us all.

To demonize and admonish the unique will ultimately stall our development as a culture. Without the breaking of the assumed status quo, we limit, even eliminate, our chances to discover and expand. We end our chance to survive as a species.

How very sad for us.

I live to serve.

How can i help you?

I'm here only to fulfill everyone else's needs.  I am not permitted to ask for anything in return.

Welcome to my life.

Pretty much, i'm handy and useful only when someone needs something from me.  The instant i express a need, well, let's just say being left in the dust would be something.  Yea, i got nothing.  I get nothing.  Every time.

I keep wondering if it's something i do.  If, somehow, i've brought this upon myself.  *shrugs*  I don't know.

So, i keep on going.  I'm too nice for my own good.  That i already know.  I fail to fully review situations and often go into them with my heart vulnerable.  Every single time.

There was a space of time i thought i was getting better at it, but...  i don't know...  Maybe i was merely fooling myself.

People suck.

Is there any such thing as someone who can be real?

I didn't think so...

If Intentions Were Promises

Why exactly do people say "i'm here for you" if they don't really mean it?  Seriously.  I don't understand the issue.  You're there to support me as long as i don't actually need support...?

Maybe i missed something in my development, but aren't people who act like they're "there for you", yet bail whenever you need them, i don't know, not a friend?

I mean, that's what i believe.  According to a couple people in my life, i'm very wrong.  *sigh*

People suck.  Frankly, a large part of the human race is a waste of space.

Maybe she was wrong...  Maybe ex-es aren't meant to be our friends.  *shakes head*  I just don't know.

Oy vey.  It's just another day in paradise, eh?  Yea, my thoughts exactly.

Don't mess with the status quo and no one with mess with us.  Not kidding.  Kind of like saying "don't rock the boat".  People don't like to be encroached upon.

Oh, "do you mind if i ask what's bothering you?" translates to "please don't let it be about me in any way" and or "i want to know if she's figured that out or if i still have her in the dark about it...".  Ad nauseum.

Here's a clue.  Most people believe they're secrets are hidden from me, but they come out through their expressions, tone, and body language.  Very little is actually secret in this world.  We live in a "me" society so people are constantly giving themselves away.

Not me though.  I play my cards very close to my chest.  Very.  Like, you can't even see the cards.  It infuriates people because they say they "don't know how i really feel or what i really think".  About them.  They don't care what i actually feel or think for myself.  Just what i feel or think about them.  Of course, i'm very good at reassuring my feelings towards others, but it never seems to be enough since i don't emasculate or build them up with my words.

I am plainly honest.  About everything.  That frightens people.

I love you is simple, honest, and deeply personal.  It should never have to be "proven".  The look on my face, in my eyes, and all over my body says all there is to say.  I love you and i'm vulnerable because of it, but i don't mind because i love you.

Or is it just too simple to understand.  Life isn't actually all that complicated.  Unless you make it that way for yourself.

What has to have happened to you for you to not be able to trust when someone says "i love you"?  It's sad.

My intentions are my promises.  To myself.  Eventually, to others also.

One of the greatest things in life is to feel love.  To share with others.  Mostly, to chance it, be hurt, and love even harder.

People will never understand.

I want to go to Hawaii.  No one knows but me.

They need to know i'm interested in their lives.  Showing an interest in someone else's would be too out of character for them.

I really should have chosen my friends more wisely.  I'm paying for it now.

I alone in the crowd.

Memo to Self

Don't make life decisions for yourself.  Watch the idiots you're related to "decide" for you.  After all, according to my mother, she has more experience in these matters because she's been on this earth longer. 

Frankly, i smile, nod, tell them all to go to hell, and deal with things on my own.

No one really wants to support anyone else in this world.  They simply want to feel in control.  No one cares about your outcome.  They only care about their own and the inconvienence you present by altering their current circumstances.

In otherwords, don't die without their permission.  Families tend to get pretty pissed about that one.

Take mine for example.  My mother's brother is dying.  Notice how i didn't say "uncle"?  I won't either.  Haven't called that man uncle since the day his now ex-wife went drug-induced psychopath and pointed a .9 revolver in my face.  Yea, my mother was all scared and crying.  Outside and accross the street.  My baby sister and i went in after the other kids in the house.  We were told to "get your cousins out of there" and we did.  Those kids are still my cousins, but i stopped with the whole "uncle" and "aunt" nonsense that particular night before dawn.

So, the fool is dying.  He's always been an alchie and pill-popper.  Trust me when i say we haven't been down the road of "your uncle is in the hospital again" just a few times.  We've been down this road many times.  I babysit.  The family wails.  Finally, he's been declared terminal.

I breated a sigh of relief.

Of course, when i didn't freak out like everyone else, it was immediately decided something must be wrong with me.  I'm apparently not "processing my emotions" according to another sibling of my mother's, who holds a masters in art and is a high school art teacher, so she is obviously an expert.  These people can't seem to get through their heads, i'm already at peace with all of it.

See, when you stop thinking of someone as family.  When you stop feeling in your soul that someone is connected to you, they've already died in a sense.  After that, it's pretty much like hearing about a neighbor you knew growing up has died, is sick, is dying, etc.  You nod and express condolences to the family.  Even when you actually share genetic material with that family.  Because he's not my family, but still theirs.

I can be reasonable.  To an extent.  Do they realize, if they keep this up, i will lose my filter and they will all get burned?  Probably not or they would back off and simply let me babysit with no questions asked or accusations thrown.

Seriously.

Is it any wonder at all why people get a DNR?  Or even a living will?  Families get far too concerned about themselves and stop giving a damn about the person in the bed.  Oh, sure, they'll "miss" them when they're gone.  I'm quite sure families have the market cornered on carrying on and lamenting.

I just don't understand why it is when we're dying, they can't hear us...

Let the man die.  He knows he brought this on himself.

I'll watch your kids for the funeral.

Adios.