It's the most likely outcome.

It all comes as no surprise really.  Turns out some people don't like the fact that i explain myself.  I give reason for my decisions and actions.  Thorough ones, too.  Maybe my frankness makes them uncomfortable.

My honesty takes away their freedom to pass judgement on me.  The integrity i show makes them feel backed into a corner when they also feel they deserve to be angry, incensed, frustrated, etc.  I induce a transparency, well, that "just isn't fair".

I don't play fair?  Ha!  Wow.  I need to find less shallow people to hang out with.  Not kidding.  Thinking through things and showing my cards, as the saying goes, i actually believed to level the playing field in tough situations.  I essentially create a draw.  Neutral ground.  Isn't that a good thing?

Didn't say i was perfect, did i?  Exactly.

Mayhap i should allow people to come up with their assumptions and then give my reasonings?  Sure.  That's a splendid idea.  Only, i'd also have to deal with the self-righteous indignations their damned assumptions inspired!  You can't win to lose anymore either.

Do open-minded people even exist?  Cause being by myself sucks royal.  Believe it.

Oy.  Well, my ramblings are my own and my words just ran out.

'Night!

I thought about it.

In the mornings, i go to sleep.  I fight the nightmares by refusing to meet them in the night.  The fighting doesn't end.

There was a place in time when i thought i had finally come to the place i could be all my life.  Friends, hard and good times, joys, troubles, etc.  All the things we need to not be lonely in our lifetime.

I was wrong.

People fade.  Times pass into history.  Frankly, things change.  Always.

Years ago i wouldn't have guessed that lonely could feel good.  I relish it now.  Lonely means i'm not wasting my time putting up with other people's nonsense.  I don't have to hold their hands while they decide to act like adults instead of squabbling teenagers who can't find their way out of a box.

Then again...  It's probably my own fault.  I invest too easily because i want to be able to trust.  I want to be trusted.  I want friendships...  Wow.  It is my own fault...  Ouch.

The plague was actually an intellectual creation.  Long before deseased rats began killing off the human population, great thinkers were pondering.  Thoughts.  About everything.  Literally.

Problem with great thinkers is they aren't revered until they're dead and their estate never gets any royalties.  It blows really.  We thinkers spend our entire lives wondering thoughts that wander into our heads.  We're told we're nuts, we need something to occupy us, why don't we think about something "real"...  The downgrading remarks of those who don't believe thinking to be of any use.  Of course, if thinkers didn't think, Edison wouldn't have come up with the light bulb from the idea, reasearch, and failings of Bell and Franklin.

Exactly.

You people who want to tell us we're wasting our time thinking probably ought to look at your electric light bulbs around your home and wonder why your personal one isn't on.

Frankly, i'm tired of being told i'm bonkers.  To find something "real" to do with my time?!  Are we serious?

My thinking has made me a better person, a better parent, a better friend...

If i follow others' theory about thinking and how it's apparently bonkers, then, well, according to their assumptions, friendships are for those who can't/won't/don't think.  I guess they believe friendships are for the simple-minded.  Themselves.

So, i had a friend tell me i can't manage to "keep" friends in my life because i think too much and am thus too serious for people who come into my life to "handle".  So they flee.  Okay.  I can buy that.  Just means i need to find myself some friends who can think, too.

Yea, those who are no longer in my life left behind hurt.  Well, it happens whenever you care about someone.  I care.  Maybe too much.  I don't ever think about that though.  Sometimes i think maybe i misjudged people as being worth my time or not in hindsight.  However, i will never regret loving someone.  Nor will i think about it.  Love, unconditional and freely given, can't hurt anyone.  It enriches our lives and makes the path towards the end just that much gentler.  Love is never wasted.

So, when you think, don't forget.  Act.  Without action, you can't achieve what you've been pondering.  ~_^

Think.  Be.  Live.

In the end it doesn't really matter.

People don't care if you've sincerely apologized or not.  They only care about their feelings and perceptions.  If you apologize, it will only be accepted if the person decides you're worth it.  Most times you aren't worth their consideration because they believe they'll lose something of themselves by forgiving.  Gods forbid we forgive.  End of story.

I said sorry.  I grovelled.  I chased.  It didn't work.  Oh well.  I'm learning to just not care anymore.

People aren't worth the emotional investment.  Seriously.

In realtionships you are supposed to be able to work issues out.  Talk, argue, and make ammends.  How can you do that when every single time you try to address an issue you're accused of creating drama?!  It makes no sense.  We go literally months without an issue and then, when there is one, i say something about it only to be told i am just trying to create drama.  Wtf people?!

I take the time to listen to others' issues with me, make ammends, and, hopefully, fix whatever flaw in my character that created the issue in the first place...  Then, as soon as i believe i can do the same, BAM, i'm only creating drama...  It gets to where you start to think those people aren't worth the time and effort you took to maintain any relationship.

Then, i wonder if i am the waste of time.  If i can't find friends who are willing to invest in me the way i invest in them, maybe it's me.  Maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with me.  What else could it be?

Why do i bother?  Why do i waste my time?  With anything.  Oy.

I have a best friend.  Who doesn't really listen and gets besides himself when i am upset or in a bad mood.  All he needs is for "it" to just go away.  Everything is great until i need someone to talk to or vent with.  How dare i expect anyone to take time away from their own interests to be my friend...?  I know that's not what a "real" best friend is supposed to be like, but it's what i have to work with.

Everyone in my life is happy with me as long as i am contented with life.  So, i lie.  A lot.  "Yes, i'm good."  "Hehe.  Yea."  "I'm so glad to hear that!"  And so on and so on...  As soon as i say i'm not happy, not everything is okay, i don't feel good, etc., i'm persona non grata.  Numero uno.

Maybe it's me.  But i can't see what in me "it" is...

I'm generally happy and or contented a majority of the time.  I rarely can't work through my problems on my own so i don't often say that i'm not doing so good.

I'm strong.  In who i am.  In what i believe.  In how i view the world around me.

I'm damn honest.  Brutally so at times.  I already know people don't appreciate that like they say they do.  It's one of the phallacies people put in place to protect themselves and make them appear a better person.  They like the truth.  As long as it aligns with their own perception of it.

I love easily.  Could be that means i also love cheaply.  Stands to reason.  Just wish i knew how to change that...

My words are worn out.  Time to end this for now.