The highest price.

I keep thinking i may be going completely crazy.  People are such idiots.  Seriously.

I can't imagine what people believe they are going to achive by lying to others.  Especially when it includes lying to themselves.  Really?!  What a bunch of numbskulls.  Blah.

I'm good.  Truly.  I abhor ignorant stupid people.  Kind of like a pet peeve.  I'd much rather they didn't waste my time and the oxygen around us by opening their mouthes.  Not kidding.

Onward.

I'm trying to be upbeat.  Is it working?  Didn't think so.

Well, that was fun while it lasted.  I'm over it now.

You know, it's really too bad.  I can be such an upbeat person face to face.  Oh, wait.  That would be because no one wants to hear what is bothering me.  Ever.  So i have to keep it to myself and, hopefully, dump it here.

It's a plan, if i do say so myself.

So, the latest thing to be bugging me?  Still the same.  It always lasts for a while after i see her again.  Friends.  Just friends.  She always wants to be friends with her exes.  I wonder if she realizes that i am still friends with her because it's better than not having her in my life at all?  Probably not.

Come to think of it, she never did say she didn't notice that.  Hmm...

It's funny.

We couldn't be together the way she wanted because i can't divorce my husband.  If i do and something happens to me, being single would leave my kids open to being taken by my biological family.  Let's just say it would not be a good thing.  Not in the least.

So, i said i couldn't.  I had long since realized my kids had a right to keep me in their life the way they always have had me.  After all, i didn't come out until after i had them and they did nothing wrong, duh.  My first priority and responsibility is to them.  No one, not ever does anyone come before them.  Not even myself.

Unfortunately, no one else agreed with that except my husband.  Granted, he simply wanted to keep me in his life and was afraid i would just disappear if we split.  It's a justifiable fear considering all the other women in my family had done the same thing to the fathers of their kids.  I was the only one to get married and have all my kids with one man only.  Yea, my biological family has some very undesirable legacies.

I finally felt okay to be me.  I finally let myself be me.  Trouble with that is all the other people our lives are connected with.  Either by choice, chance, or happenstance.  So, four years ago i came out.  It felt good.  Still does.  For all the drama, i don't regret it.

Since i was finally being honest about myself, i found it easier to be honest with others and to expect honesty in return.

The problem is things happened and people formed opinions.  They created ideas and decided judgements.  Oh my...  It never ends.

I just...

Oy.

My words escape me.

In the end it doesn't really matter.

People don't care if you've sincerely apologized or not.  They only care about their feelings and perceptions.  If you apologize, it will only be accepted if the person decides you're worth it.  Most times you aren't worth their consideration because they believe they'll lose something of themselves by forgiving.  Gods forbid we forgive.  End of story.

I said sorry.  I grovelled.  I chased.  It didn't work.  Oh well.  I'm learning to just not care anymore.

People aren't worth the emotional investment.  Seriously.

In realtionships you are supposed to be able to work issues out.  Talk, argue, and make ammends.  How can you do that when every single time you try to address an issue you're accused of creating drama?!  It makes no sense.  We go literally months without an issue and then, when there is one, i say something about it only to be told i am just trying to create drama.  Wtf people?!

I take the time to listen to others' issues with me, make ammends, and, hopefully, fix whatever flaw in my character that created the issue in the first place...  Then, as soon as i believe i can do the same, BAM, i'm only creating drama...  It gets to where you start to think those people aren't worth the time and effort you took to maintain any relationship.

Then, i wonder if i am the waste of time.  If i can't find friends who are willing to invest in me the way i invest in them, maybe it's me.  Maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with me.  What else could it be?

Why do i bother?  Why do i waste my time?  With anything.  Oy.

I have a best friend.  Who doesn't really listen and gets besides himself when i am upset or in a bad mood.  All he needs is for "it" to just go away.  Everything is great until i need someone to talk to or vent with.  How dare i expect anyone to take time away from their own interests to be my friend...?  I know that's not what a "real" best friend is supposed to be like, but it's what i have to work with.

Everyone in my life is happy with me as long as i am contented with life.  So, i lie.  A lot.  "Yes, i'm good."  "Hehe.  Yea."  "I'm so glad to hear that!"  And so on and so on...  As soon as i say i'm not happy, not everything is okay, i don't feel good, etc., i'm persona non grata.  Numero uno.

Maybe it's me.  But i can't see what in me "it" is...

I'm generally happy and or contented a majority of the time.  I rarely can't work through my problems on my own so i don't often say that i'm not doing so good.

I'm strong.  In who i am.  In what i believe.  In how i view the world around me.

I'm damn honest.  Brutally so at times.  I already know people don't appreciate that like they say they do.  It's one of the phallacies people put in place to protect themselves and make them appear a better person.  They like the truth.  As long as it aligns with their own perception of it.

I love easily.  Could be that means i also love cheaply.  Stands to reason.  Just wish i knew how to change that...

My words are worn out.  Time to end this for now.