If Intentions Were Promises

Why exactly do people say "i'm here for you" if they don't really mean it?  Seriously.  I don't understand the issue.  You're there to support me as long as i don't actually need support...?

Maybe i missed something in my development, but aren't people who act like they're "there for you", yet bail whenever you need them, i don't know, not a friend?

I mean, that's what i believe.  According to a couple people in my life, i'm very wrong.  *sigh*

People suck.  Frankly, a large part of the human race is a waste of space.

Maybe she was wrong...  Maybe ex-es aren't meant to be our friends.  *shakes head*  I just don't know.

Oy vey.  It's just another day in paradise, eh?  Yea, my thoughts exactly.

Don't mess with the status quo and no one with mess with us.  Not kidding.  Kind of like saying "don't rock the boat".  People don't like to be encroached upon.

Oh, "do you mind if i ask what's bothering you?" translates to "please don't let it be about me in any way" and or "i want to know if she's figured that out or if i still have her in the dark about it...".  Ad nauseum.

Here's a clue.  Most people believe they're secrets are hidden from me, but they come out through their expressions, tone, and body language.  Very little is actually secret in this world.  We live in a "me" society so people are constantly giving themselves away.

Not me though.  I play my cards very close to my chest.  Very.  Like, you can't even see the cards.  It infuriates people because they say they "don't know how i really feel or what i really think".  About them.  They don't care what i actually feel or think for myself.  Just what i feel or think about them.  Of course, i'm very good at reassuring my feelings towards others, but it never seems to be enough since i don't emasculate or build them up with my words.

I am plainly honest.  About everything.  That frightens people.

I love you is simple, honest, and deeply personal.  It should never have to be "proven".  The look on my face, in my eyes, and all over my body says all there is to say.  I love you and i'm vulnerable because of it, but i don't mind because i love you.

Or is it just too simple to understand.  Life isn't actually all that complicated.  Unless you make it that way for yourself.

What has to have happened to you for you to not be able to trust when someone says "i love you"?  It's sad.

My intentions are my promises.  To myself.  Eventually, to others also.

One of the greatest things in life is to feel love.  To share with others.  Mostly, to chance it, be hurt, and love even harder.

People will never understand.

I want to go to Hawaii.  No one knows but me.

They need to know i'm interested in their lives.  Showing an interest in someone else's would be too out of character for them.

I really should have chosen my friends more wisely.  I'm paying for it now.

I alone in the crowd.

It's the most likely outcome.

It all comes as no surprise really.  Turns out some people don't like the fact that i explain myself.  I give reason for my decisions and actions.  Thorough ones, too.  Maybe my frankness makes them uncomfortable.

My honesty takes away their freedom to pass judgement on me.  The integrity i show makes them feel backed into a corner when they also feel they deserve to be angry, incensed, frustrated, etc.  I induce a transparency, well, that "just isn't fair".

I don't play fair?  Ha!  Wow.  I need to find less shallow people to hang out with.  Not kidding.  Thinking through things and showing my cards, as the saying goes, i actually believed to level the playing field in tough situations.  I essentially create a draw.  Neutral ground.  Isn't that a good thing?

Didn't say i was perfect, did i?  Exactly.

Mayhap i should allow people to come up with their assumptions and then give my reasonings?  Sure.  That's a splendid idea.  Only, i'd also have to deal with the self-righteous indignations their damned assumptions inspired!  You can't win to lose anymore either.

Do open-minded people even exist?  Cause being by myself sucks royal.  Believe it.

Oy.  Well, my ramblings are my own and my words just ran out.

'Night!

I thought about it.

In the mornings, i go to sleep.  I fight the nightmares by refusing to meet them in the night.  The fighting doesn't end.

There was a place in time when i thought i had finally come to the place i could be all my life.  Friends, hard and good times, joys, troubles, etc.  All the things we need to not be lonely in our lifetime.

I was wrong.

People fade.  Times pass into history.  Frankly, things change.  Always.

Years ago i wouldn't have guessed that lonely could feel good.  I relish it now.  Lonely means i'm not wasting my time putting up with other people's nonsense.  I don't have to hold their hands while they decide to act like adults instead of squabbling teenagers who can't find their way out of a box.

Then again...  It's probably my own fault.  I invest too easily because i want to be able to trust.  I want to be trusted.  I want friendships...  Wow.  It is my own fault...  Ouch.

The plague was actually an intellectual creation.  Long before deseased rats began killing off the human population, great thinkers were pondering.  Thoughts.  About everything.  Literally.

Problem with great thinkers is they aren't revered until they're dead and their estate never gets any royalties.  It blows really.  We thinkers spend our entire lives wondering thoughts that wander into our heads.  We're told we're nuts, we need something to occupy us, why don't we think about something "real"...  The downgrading remarks of those who don't believe thinking to be of any use.  Of course, if thinkers didn't think, Edison wouldn't have come up with the light bulb from the idea, reasearch, and failings of Bell and Franklin.

Exactly.

You people who want to tell us we're wasting our time thinking probably ought to look at your electric light bulbs around your home and wonder why your personal one isn't on.

Frankly, i'm tired of being told i'm bonkers.  To find something "real" to do with my time?!  Are we serious?

My thinking has made me a better person, a better parent, a better friend...

If i follow others' theory about thinking and how it's apparently bonkers, then, well, according to their assumptions, friendships are for those who can't/won't/don't think.  I guess they believe friendships are for the simple-minded.  Themselves.

So, i had a friend tell me i can't manage to "keep" friends in my life because i think too much and am thus too serious for people who come into my life to "handle".  So they flee.  Okay.  I can buy that.  Just means i need to find myself some friends who can think, too.

Yea, those who are no longer in my life left behind hurt.  Well, it happens whenever you care about someone.  I care.  Maybe too much.  I don't ever think about that though.  Sometimes i think maybe i misjudged people as being worth my time or not in hindsight.  However, i will never regret loving someone.  Nor will i think about it.  Love, unconditional and freely given, can't hurt anyone.  It enriches our lives and makes the path towards the end just that much gentler.  Love is never wasted.

So, when you think, don't forget.  Act.  Without action, you can't achieve what you've been pondering.  ~_^

Think.  Be.  Live.