If Intentions Were Promises

Why exactly do people say "i'm here for you" if they don't really mean it?  Seriously.  I don't understand the issue.  You're there to support me as long as i don't actually need support...?

Maybe i missed something in my development, but aren't people who act like they're "there for you", yet bail whenever you need them, i don't know, not a friend?

I mean, that's what i believe.  According to a couple people in my life, i'm very wrong.  *sigh*

People suck.  Frankly, a large part of the human race is a waste of space.

Maybe she was wrong...  Maybe ex-es aren't meant to be our friends.  *shakes head*  I just don't know.

Oy vey.  It's just another day in paradise, eh?  Yea, my thoughts exactly.

Don't mess with the status quo and no one with mess with us.  Not kidding.  Kind of like saying "don't rock the boat".  People don't like to be encroached upon.

Oh, "do you mind if i ask what's bothering you?" translates to "please don't let it be about me in any way" and or "i want to know if she's figured that out or if i still have her in the dark about it...".  Ad nauseum.

Here's a clue.  Most people believe they're secrets are hidden from me, but they come out through their expressions, tone, and body language.  Very little is actually secret in this world.  We live in a "me" society so people are constantly giving themselves away.

Not me though.  I play my cards very close to my chest.  Very.  Like, you can't even see the cards.  It infuriates people because they say they "don't know how i really feel or what i really think".  About them.  They don't care what i actually feel or think for myself.  Just what i feel or think about them.  Of course, i'm very good at reassuring my feelings towards others, but it never seems to be enough since i don't emasculate or build them up with my words.

I am plainly honest.  About everything.  That frightens people.

I love you is simple, honest, and deeply personal.  It should never have to be "proven".  The look on my face, in my eyes, and all over my body says all there is to say.  I love you and i'm vulnerable because of it, but i don't mind because i love you.

Or is it just too simple to understand.  Life isn't actually all that complicated.  Unless you make it that way for yourself.

What has to have happened to you for you to not be able to trust when someone says "i love you"?  It's sad.

My intentions are my promises.  To myself.  Eventually, to others also.

One of the greatest things in life is to feel love.  To share with others.  Mostly, to chance it, be hurt, and love even harder.

People will never understand.

I want to go to Hawaii.  No one knows but me.

They need to know i'm interested in their lives.  Showing an interest in someone else's would be too out of character for them.

I really should have chosen my friends more wisely.  I'm paying for it now.

I alone in the crowd.

The highest price.

I keep thinking i may be going completely crazy.  People are such idiots.  Seriously.

I can't imagine what people believe they are going to achive by lying to others.  Especially when it includes lying to themselves.  Really?!  What a bunch of numbskulls.  Blah.

I'm good.  Truly.  I abhor ignorant stupid people.  Kind of like a pet peeve.  I'd much rather they didn't waste my time and the oxygen around us by opening their mouthes.  Not kidding.

Onward.

I'm trying to be upbeat.  Is it working?  Didn't think so.

Well, that was fun while it lasted.  I'm over it now.

You know, it's really too bad.  I can be such an upbeat person face to face.  Oh, wait.  That would be because no one wants to hear what is bothering me.  Ever.  So i have to keep it to myself and, hopefully, dump it here.

It's a plan, if i do say so myself.

So, the latest thing to be bugging me?  Still the same.  It always lasts for a while after i see her again.  Friends.  Just friends.  She always wants to be friends with her exes.  I wonder if she realizes that i am still friends with her because it's better than not having her in my life at all?  Probably not.

Come to think of it, she never did say she didn't notice that.  Hmm...

It's funny.

We couldn't be together the way she wanted because i can't divorce my husband.  If i do and something happens to me, being single would leave my kids open to being taken by my biological family.  Let's just say it would not be a good thing.  Not in the least.

So, i said i couldn't.  I had long since realized my kids had a right to keep me in their life the way they always have had me.  After all, i didn't come out until after i had them and they did nothing wrong, duh.  My first priority and responsibility is to them.  No one, not ever does anyone come before them.  Not even myself.

Unfortunately, no one else agreed with that except my husband.  Granted, he simply wanted to keep me in his life and was afraid i would just disappear if we split.  It's a justifiable fear considering all the other women in my family had done the same thing to the fathers of their kids.  I was the only one to get married and have all my kids with one man only.  Yea, my biological family has some very undesirable legacies.

I finally felt okay to be me.  I finally let myself be me.  Trouble with that is all the other people our lives are connected with.  Either by choice, chance, or happenstance.  So, four years ago i came out.  It felt good.  Still does.  For all the drama, i don't regret it.

Since i was finally being honest about myself, i found it easier to be honest with others and to expect honesty in return.

The problem is things happened and people formed opinions.  They created ideas and decided judgements.  Oh my...  It never ends.

I just...

Oy.

My words escape me.

You said "I love you".

There's a whole lot of nonsense about loving someone, letting them go, and them coming back to you.

Honestly, who believes such drivel? I do. Well, the spirit of it anyway.

It takes tremendous courage to let someone leave you.

Because that is what they are essentially doing.

They are leaving you. And it's terrifying.

To fully allow the exit of someone from our lives.
To silently live with the hope that they'll one day return, but knowing they most likely won't.

It's painful. Very.

Because you can't help but to hope.

That they'll want you again.

Because "I can't be that bad of a person, can i?" is always there. Always.

We need them to need us.

Please need me.

To have the courage to leave...

To live with the terror of not knowing...

To bear the pain of losing them...

I need you.

Maybe we aren't meant to understand.
Maybe it isn't possible.
Maybe things simply get too big. And we have to walk away for a time.
Maybe that's good for us.

If life were scripted, you and i would be together.

Always and forever.

You say things so much better than me. I fail tog ive my feelings adequate words. I can't convey and i come off seeming to be superficial and murky.

I can never find the words i need when what i am saying is so very important.

She is my muse...

All she had to say was "I love you" and the words become mundane. Lost. Even to me.

The magic of words.

Time is needed.
Time is constant yet fickle of each individual's company.
Time is short, yet endless.

We didn't get enough time. Could that be our failing? We believed we had all the time in the world. We were selfish and began to squander what had been so precious to us. In that, we also began to covet each other's time - the time when we were apart...

Could be we forgot the easy, quiet because we foolishly believed we to work for all that is great in our lives. Trouble is, there is no realizing how much greater was our simple existence together.

We allowed the world to dictate and change what we thought WE should be. We let ourselves believe the world's view of us instead of just being what we had always been... us.

I needed a lifetime, yet you wanted forever. It took so long to realize we were seeking the same thing.

I still need you.

That's the trouble with letting go...

We aren't supposed to say those things anymore...

Not even to ourselves...

I think.

We can't help what we feel.

I thought about it.

In the mornings, i go to sleep.  I fight the nightmares by refusing to meet them in the night.  The fighting doesn't end.

There was a place in time when i thought i had finally come to the place i could be all my life.  Friends, hard and good times, joys, troubles, etc.  All the things we need to not be lonely in our lifetime.

I was wrong.

People fade.  Times pass into history.  Frankly, things change.  Always.

Years ago i wouldn't have guessed that lonely could feel good.  I relish it now.  Lonely means i'm not wasting my time putting up with other people's nonsense.  I don't have to hold their hands while they decide to act like adults instead of squabbling teenagers who can't find their way out of a box.

Then again...  It's probably my own fault.  I invest too easily because i want to be able to trust.  I want to be trusted.  I want friendships...  Wow.  It is my own fault...  Ouch.

The plague was actually an intellectual creation.  Long before deseased rats began killing off the human population, great thinkers were pondering.  Thoughts.  About everything.  Literally.

Problem with great thinkers is they aren't revered until they're dead and their estate never gets any royalties.  It blows really.  We thinkers spend our entire lives wondering thoughts that wander into our heads.  We're told we're nuts, we need something to occupy us, why don't we think about something "real"...  The downgrading remarks of those who don't believe thinking to be of any use.  Of course, if thinkers didn't think, Edison wouldn't have come up with the light bulb from the idea, reasearch, and failings of Bell and Franklin.

Exactly.

You people who want to tell us we're wasting our time thinking probably ought to look at your electric light bulbs around your home and wonder why your personal one isn't on.

Frankly, i'm tired of being told i'm bonkers.  To find something "real" to do with my time?!  Are we serious?

My thinking has made me a better person, a better parent, a better friend...

If i follow others' theory about thinking and how it's apparently bonkers, then, well, according to their assumptions, friendships are for those who can't/won't/don't think.  I guess they believe friendships are for the simple-minded.  Themselves.

So, i had a friend tell me i can't manage to "keep" friends in my life because i think too much and am thus too serious for people who come into my life to "handle".  So they flee.  Okay.  I can buy that.  Just means i need to find myself some friends who can think, too.

Yea, those who are no longer in my life left behind hurt.  Well, it happens whenever you care about someone.  I care.  Maybe too much.  I don't ever think about that though.  Sometimes i think maybe i misjudged people as being worth my time or not in hindsight.  However, i will never regret loving someone.  Nor will i think about it.  Love, unconditional and freely given, can't hurt anyone.  It enriches our lives and makes the path towards the end just that much gentler.  Love is never wasted.

So, when you think, don't forget.  Act.  Without action, you can't achieve what you've been pondering.  ~_^

Think.  Be.  Live.

In the end it doesn't really matter.

People don't care if you've sincerely apologized or not.  They only care about their feelings and perceptions.  If you apologize, it will only be accepted if the person decides you're worth it.  Most times you aren't worth their consideration because they believe they'll lose something of themselves by forgiving.  Gods forbid we forgive.  End of story.

I said sorry.  I grovelled.  I chased.  It didn't work.  Oh well.  I'm learning to just not care anymore.

People aren't worth the emotional investment.  Seriously.

In realtionships you are supposed to be able to work issues out.  Talk, argue, and make ammends.  How can you do that when every single time you try to address an issue you're accused of creating drama?!  It makes no sense.  We go literally months without an issue and then, when there is one, i say something about it only to be told i am just trying to create drama.  Wtf people?!

I take the time to listen to others' issues with me, make ammends, and, hopefully, fix whatever flaw in my character that created the issue in the first place...  Then, as soon as i believe i can do the same, BAM, i'm only creating drama...  It gets to where you start to think those people aren't worth the time and effort you took to maintain any relationship.

Then, i wonder if i am the waste of time.  If i can't find friends who are willing to invest in me the way i invest in them, maybe it's me.  Maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with me.  What else could it be?

Why do i bother?  Why do i waste my time?  With anything.  Oy.

I have a best friend.  Who doesn't really listen and gets besides himself when i am upset or in a bad mood.  All he needs is for "it" to just go away.  Everything is great until i need someone to talk to or vent with.  How dare i expect anyone to take time away from their own interests to be my friend...?  I know that's not what a "real" best friend is supposed to be like, but it's what i have to work with.

Everyone in my life is happy with me as long as i am contented with life.  So, i lie.  A lot.  "Yes, i'm good."  "Hehe.  Yea."  "I'm so glad to hear that!"  And so on and so on...  As soon as i say i'm not happy, not everything is okay, i don't feel good, etc., i'm persona non grata.  Numero uno.

Maybe it's me.  But i can't see what in me "it" is...

I'm generally happy and or contented a majority of the time.  I rarely can't work through my problems on my own so i don't often say that i'm not doing so good.

I'm strong.  In who i am.  In what i believe.  In how i view the world around me.

I'm damn honest.  Brutally so at times.  I already know people don't appreciate that like they say they do.  It's one of the phallacies people put in place to protect themselves and make them appear a better person.  They like the truth.  As long as it aligns with their own perception of it.

I love easily.  Could be that means i also love cheaply.  Stands to reason.  Just wish i knew how to change that...

My words are worn out.  Time to end this for now.