There's a monster over me.

In my current state of mind, i don't believe i should be writing anything. Likely, i should be finding opportunities to be a member of a demolition crew. You know, one of those who use sledgehammers to tear down walls... Yea, that's what i should be doing.

Except. I'm not.

Here i sit. Writing pointless words i don't have the courage to speak out loud. Pretending i'm a happy, peaceful person has it's toll and that facade has come to collect it's dues. I almost feel as if my sanity is slipping away from me and i'm helpless to stop any of it.

An addiction. It's JUST an addiction. I should be able to decide to merely shut if off. That's what everyone expects. Even those who have already been able to shed the same addiction. No fuss. Like a switch. Off and i'll somehow be free.

I need to quit smoking. My husband's budget for this year dictates i need to. No pressure. My health dictates i need to, even if it's already too late. No pressure. My family doesn't think i'm capable. No pressure. My children expected instant results. No pressure. My in-laws feel the need to remind me "gently" how badly my smoking impacts our household budget. No pressure. Ad nauseum. No pressure.

Yea. Right.

What no one knows is my smoking is holding it all back. All that lies behind the mask of happy peacefulness. The grief i've never expressed, the words i've held back to not hurt when the painful truth should've surfaced, the lies i told to survive, the angers, the frustrations, the self-loathing, the self-doubt, the worthlessness i was taught to feel, the... well, everything no one has ever seen.

I'm afraid i will be a different person and those few who love me will cease to care because they won't know who i am anymore. I realize this is unlikely and love doesn't just take a nosedive like that, but i can't help the fear. It's there and it grabs at my insides like a snake squeezing the life from it's prey.

The less i smoke the more frightened i feel.

Every time i try to cold turkey, all it takes is one bout of anxiety and, poof, i've failed again. Failed everyone. Even as i satisfy myself.

Maybe my mother is right. Maybe i've never been "right in the head" enough to be okay and smoking hides those things... Maybe she's wrong... I don't know. I'm terribly afraid though. Regardless.

All i know is i need to quit. And it hurts. Can i be stronger than this pain? I don't know.

I feel adrift and lost.

No clue.

Honestly, does anyone have a clue? A real one? I sure don't and it has me feeling a little lost and concerned.

I went to my sister's house today to hang out because i was in need of some socialization. Instead, i wind up babysitting so she can "get out of the house". Ironically, this is exactly why i don't generally go to visit her. I'm always being asked for something or another. Usually before i've even had the chance to really walk in the door.

So, i sit and wonder, what the hell was i thinking? Seriously.

I gets better since my younger brother was also at my sister's house. Presumably to watch the child in question since my sister needed to get loose from her home. So, without asking me if i was okay with it, he then makes plans and goes out. Leaving me with my sister's offspring until whatever time someone decides to come home. Because i obviously have no life to get back to.

Don't people know they at least would like to be asked? As if they are actually considered in some way even when they aren't really?

People suck. Truly.

I should've stayed at home. At least i would be getting to do what i want that way. I could asked myself if i wanted to do whatever. At the very least i would be considered...

/rant

In the Here and Now

In regards to certain past events... It's likely i'm guilty. Of living my life to the best possible i can. Triumphs as well as failures. That's life. Seriously. People who can't accept that from me, or anyone, well, they're the ones lacking in personality. Not me.

How can it be possible to remain anonymous online anymore? Gods, even my in-laws are considering creating a online profile via social networking! Shocked? Don't be. My kids have friends who have their grandparents as online friends. It's not a huge stretch of the imagination anymore.

I want to say some things, but the words keep leaving me blank with a lump in my throat. I feel empty of expression, yet violated by emotion. Is there a way to break this block? I have no idea.

A while back, i developed what i thought was a minor case of writers' block. Um, i'm still blocked. At least i finally know what made me get all stopped up and unable to write. My family began to enter the world of online social networking. Scary, huh? Doubly so when you consider i've never had the courage to rid myself of them.

So, suddenly everything online became available to my family. Everything of mine. Hell, i kind of felt like the internet belonged to me in a sense. After all, i've always been the only one (from my relatives) here for nearly two decades. Even my husband of 15 years didn't join online social networking until a few years ago! ^_^

Now, the people who humiliated me, abused me, and neglected my very being for the sake of themselves, are here, in my realm. The place i had finally found the peace and quiet i so badly needed. The place where i finally learned the one thing that helped me find my real life voice. Online i had learned i wasn't alone.

Except, nothing's changed really. My family acts online as they do in their daily lives. Only, now i get bullied online as well as off. I never thought i would truly be able to understand the affects of cyberbullying and face-to-face bullying in such vivid realism. I'm in my thirties and it's hard to deal with. I admire the teens who are able to handle it and persevere. I feel even worse for the teens who parents don't step in to protect them though. We can protect our children, even as teenagers, yet there is no way to really protect ourselves.

Too sad.

Oh, sheesh, i've spent this whole time basically complaining. I'll get over it. After all, i have to.