A little selfishness is healthy... I think...

I never have really liked the Christmas holidays. Even when my faith changed, i still continue to shy away from this time of year like it's a flame reaching out to burn the very wisps of my soul. I can't help it. Merely hating Christmas would be much easier.

My beautiful, amazing children... I always get excited to give them their gifts and discover each holiday's newness to them every year. Being their Santa and teaching them about who Santa was has also been very magical. Now, that they "know", it's even more wonderful. Each year proves more and more how they will be such strong, wise, and great adults in the future. They are my "reason for the season".

So, another Christmas season is past. I have 330 days to prepare to face another one. Trust me when i tell you i need all of those days.

I'm not a Scrooge or a Grinch. Truly.

It's just... Christmas makes my heart hurt a whole lot.

Then i get a year like this year. A year that leaves me feeling used, unappreciated, and unimportant. Especially to the one adult in this world i should be important to... The one who wants to be my companion and partner when our children are grown and merely coming to visit at Christmastime.

I decorated, cleaned, cooked, sewed, worked on a project with my every "spare" moment for our parents for the six weeks prior to Christmas, and so on. I chose presents carefully because quantity isn't really an option on our budget, but loving thought when choosing gifts is always affordable. I made extra meals so my husband could eat full dinners on days when his work kept him out later than usual. I ran errands for anyone who needed it, drove extra kids to school, picked up kids as well, and i always have a warm van for the kids at the busstop in the mornings. I've "cured" two colds, "fixed-up" a nasty spider bite, and treated an ear infection since Thanksgiving. I didn't complain. I still haven't said a word.

Because i love them. All of them. More than anything.

The parents all enjoyed their gifts. Digital picture frames for his parents and my mom. Each with an SD card loaded with pictures of all their grandkids from birth until the present. In chronological order. Yes, seriously. I loved working on that project. There were pictures i had forgotten i had of my kids. Time truly passes in the blink of an eye.

My kids loved their presents and my husband has already gotten hours of enjoyment from his. Our family present was a hit, too. It was a good Christmas morning. Although, i'm still positive we were the last household with kids in the continential US to open presents that morning since none of us woke up until nearly noon! ^_^

As always, the sadness i experience each year is constantly lingering beneath the surface of the mask i so easily wear. Yet, each year i hope. And i wait for the moments when the real happiness peaks through. Like watching my kids open their presents and dig through their stockings. Their laughter and excitement and gratitude is always a balm to the ache. Or the moments when we make breakfast together and sit and eat and relax.

I hope to be remembered. Even if it is only by a hug and a greeting. Someone who is pleased i could be there for the holiday. Of course, i always have that from my children. That alone should be enough, but, and maybe i am too selfish, yet i still hope...

Maybe this year my husband will remember me for something other than candles and pots or a new broom or kitchen towels...

Maybe this year i'll get more from someone than the look that says i should just be grateful they haven't verbally objected to my presence...

Maybe this year someone other than my children with think about a gift for me...

Something, anything, chosen for me. Not for my house. Not for my husband and i. Not for my vehicle. Or, gods forbid, not for my bath. Then again, with the exception of my children, no one knows me well enough for such a thing. Yet, each year, with the lingering ache, i continue to hope.

I don't remember ever getting a gift from my mother in the last, oh, let's just say it's been more than a decade. She still doesn't approve of my "nonsense" about "relying on a man" and being married. So, i never expect anything out of her. All year long.

Yet, i hope. Still.

I'm a glutton for trouble. Seriously.

This year i came close though. So very close...

Well, i thought the blanket was for me. It wasn't though. It was meant for our bed. But my husband doesn't like anything with pink or flowers... SO, i hoped i would get to keep it anyway...

I kept the blanket. It's a good snuggle blanket during these cold nights. However, there was some awkward bits from the gifter before i could keep the male-offending blanket. After all, she purchased it with her son in mind.

So, i got a present i can actually enjoy this Christmas. Even if it was by default. Not that i don't appreciate the pot i picked out to replace the pot my husband broke this year or the candles my husband got me to replace the candles in the living room that have been used up. I do appreciate those things... But maybe replacing a broken/spent household item as a present is kind of like buying a gallon of milk as a birthday present...

Then again, maybe i am just too selfish to see the difference...

Is it selfish to want to be though of as special enough for a present that someone shops for specially and chooses specifically for me? From someone other than my children?

Quite possibly it is since there are so many others out there who have considerably less than a pot and some candles.

Yet...

...just maybe...

It's part of the human condition to want to be thought of...

Just maybe...

Maybe...

The decorations are down now and, as with each year, i feel as if i packed my hope up with them. Leaving me with only the ache that something is missing from this year, too.

My hope. Packed with ornaments and twinkly lights. Resting until next year when i pull out the deckings again. Ready to envelope me with it's intoxicating dream. For another month. Next year.

Maybe next year...

I say nothing.

There aren't words for what i want to say. How do i do that? I'm not sure either.

I'm so glad i stayed with my husband. I'm truly relieved he took me back when he really didn't have to.

Thing is, i miss her. Like, a lot. More than i can convey.

How do i stop this? It's been years, yet i ache like it was more recent.

Lost and confused doesn't even begin to cover it.

Yet, i don't know how to talk about it. To anyone. People are so selfish and judgmental.

How do i say i still need her? To anyone? I can barely acknowledge it to myself.

I really don't have words enough for this. Damn.

Lose My Self?

In a world where self is all, being different should be celebrated. Key words here: should be. Yet society constantly demonizes the unique qualities of an individual for straying from the status quo.

We live in a "me" society.

As long as your "me" doesn't differ from the collective "me".

Almost as if the world was saying, "It's all about me, but that 'me' is too different."

How many ways can we say hypocrite?

Exactly.

Wouldn't it be reasonable to then think the prejudice against unique differences is rooted in jealousy? As if the self of society in general sees the differences as something greater or more worthwhile. Unfortunately, it stands to reason. How very sad for us all.

To demonize and admonish the unique will ultimately stall our development as a culture. Without the breaking of the assumed status quo, we limit, even eliminate, our chances to discover and expand. We end our chance to survive as a species.

How very sad for us.

I live to serve.

How can i help you?

I'm here only to fulfill everyone else's needs.  I am not permitted to ask for anything in return.

Welcome to my life.

Pretty much, i'm handy and useful only when someone needs something from me.  The instant i express a need, well, let's just say being left in the dust would be something.  Yea, i got nothing.  I get nothing.  Every time.

I keep wondering if it's something i do.  If, somehow, i've brought this upon myself.  *shrugs*  I don't know.

So, i keep on going.  I'm too nice for my own good.  That i already know.  I fail to fully review situations and often go into them with my heart vulnerable.  Every single time.

There was a space of time i thought i was getting better at it, but...  i don't know...  Maybe i was merely fooling myself.

People suck.

Is there any such thing as someone who can be real?

I didn't think so...

If Intentions Were Promises

Why exactly do people say "i'm here for you" if they don't really mean it?  Seriously.  I don't understand the issue.  You're there to support me as long as i don't actually need support...?

Maybe i missed something in my development, but aren't people who act like they're "there for you", yet bail whenever you need them, i don't know, not a friend?

I mean, that's what i believe.  According to a couple people in my life, i'm very wrong.  *sigh*

People suck.  Frankly, a large part of the human race is a waste of space.

Maybe she was wrong...  Maybe ex-es aren't meant to be our friends.  *shakes head*  I just don't know.

Oy vey.  It's just another day in paradise, eh?  Yea, my thoughts exactly.

Don't mess with the status quo and no one with mess with us.  Not kidding.  Kind of like saying "don't rock the boat".  People don't like to be encroached upon.

Oh, "do you mind if i ask what's bothering you?" translates to "please don't let it be about me in any way" and or "i want to know if she's figured that out or if i still have her in the dark about it...".  Ad nauseum.

Here's a clue.  Most people believe they're secrets are hidden from me, but they come out through their expressions, tone, and body language.  Very little is actually secret in this world.  We live in a "me" society so people are constantly giving themselves away.

Not me though.  I play my cards very close to my chest.  Very.  Like, you can't even see the cards.  It infuriates people because they say they "don't know how i really feel or what i really think".  About them.  They don't care what i actually feel or think for myself.  Just what i feel or think about them.  Of course, i'm very good at reassuring my feelings towards others, but it never seems to be enough since i don't emasculate or build them up with my words.

I am plainly honest.  About everything.  That frightens people.

I love you is simple, honest, and deeply personal.  It should never have to be "proven".  The look on my face, in my eyes, and all over my body says all there is to say.  I love you and i'm vulnerable because of it, but i don't mind because i love you.

Or is it just too simple to understand.  Life isn't actually all that complicated.  Unless you make it that way for yourself.

What has to have happened to you for you to not be able to trust when someone says "i love you"?  It's sad.

My intentions are my promises.  To myself.  Eventually, to others also.

One of the greatest things in life is to feel love.  To share with others.  Mostly, to chance it, be hurt, and love even harder.

People will never understand.

I want to go to Hawaii.  No one knows but me.

They need to know i'm interested in their lives.  Showing an interest in someone else's would be too out of character for them.

I really should have chosen my friends more wisely.  I'm paying for it now.

I alone in the crowd.

Memo to Self

Don't make life decisions for yourself.  Watch the idiots you're related to "decide" for you.  After all, according to my mother, she has more experience in these matters because she's been on this earth longer. 

Frankly, i smile, nod, tell them all to go to hell, and deal with things on my own.

No one really wants to support anyone else in this world.  They simply want to feel in control.  No one cares about your outcome.  They only care about their own and the inconvienence you present by altering their current circumstances.

In otherwords, don't die without their permission.  Families tend to get pretty pissed about that one.

Take mine for example.  My mother's brother is dying.  Notice how i didn't say "uncle"?  I won't either.  Haven't called that man uncle since the day his now ex-wife went drug-induced psychopath and pointed a .9 revolver in my face.  Yea, my mother was all scared and crying.  Outside and accross the street.  My baby sister and i went in after the other kids in the house.  We were told to "get your cousins out of there" and we did.  Those kids are still my cousins, but i stopped with the whole "uncle" and "aunt" nonsense that particular night before dawn.

So, the fool is dying.  He's always been an alchie and pill-popper.  Trust me when i say we haven't been down the road of "your uncle is in the hospital again" just a few times.  We've been down this road many times.  I babysit.  The family wails.  Finally, he's been declared terminal.

I breated a sigh of relief.

Of course, when i didn't freak out like everyone else, it was immediately decided something must be wrong with me.  I'm apparently not "processing my emotions" according to another sibling of my mother's, who holds a masters in art and is a high school art teacher, so she is obviously an expert.  These people can't seem to get through their heads, i'm already at peace with all of it.

See, when you stop thinking of someone as family.  When you stop feeling in your soul that someone is connected to you, they've already died in a sense.  After that, it's pretty much like hearing about a neighbor you knew growing up has died, is sick, is dying, etc.  You nod and express condolences to the family.  Even when you actually share genetic material with that family.  Because he's not my family, but still theirs.

I can be reasonable.  To an extent.  Do they realize, if they keep this up, i will lose my filter and they will all get burned?  Probably not or they would back off and simply let me babysit with no questions asked or accusations thrown.

Seriously.

Is it any wonder at all why people get a DNR?  Or even a living will?  Families get far too concerned about themselves and stop giving a damn about the person in the bed.  Oh, sure, they'll "miss" them when they're gone.  I'm quite sure families have the market cornered on carrying on and lamenting.

I just don't understand why it is when we're dying, they can't hear us...

Let the man die.  He knows he brought this on himself.

I'll watch your kids for the funeral.

Adios.

The highest price.

I keep thinking i may be going completely crazy.  People are such idiots.  Seriously.

I can't imagine what people believe they are going to achive by lying to others.  Especially when it includes lying to themselves.  Really?!  What a bunch of numbskulls.  Blah.

I'm good.  Truly.  I abhor ignorant stupid people.  Kind of like a pet peeve.  I'd much rather they didn't waste my time and the oxygen around us by opening their mouthes.  Not kidding.

Onward.

I'm trying to be upbeat.  Is it working?  Didn't think so.

Well, that was fun while it lasted.  I'm over it now.

You know, it's really too bad.  I can be such an upbeat person face to face.  Oh, wait.  That would be because no one wants to hear what is bothering me.  Ever.  So i have to keep it to myself and, hopefully, dump it here.

It's a plan, if i do say so myself.

So, the latest thing to be bugging me?  Still the same.  It always lasts for a while after i see her again.  Friends.  Just friends.  She always wants to be friends with her exes.  I wonder if she realizes that i am still friends with her because it's better than not having her in my life at all?  Probably not.

Come to think of it, she never did say she didn't notice that.  Hmm...

It's funny.

We couldn't be together the way she wanted because i can't divorce my husband.  If i do and something happens to me, being single would leave my kids open to being taken by my biological family.  Let's just say it would not be a good thing.  Not in the least.

So, i said i couldn't.  I had long since realized my kids had a right to keep me in their life the way they always have had me.  After all, i didn't come out until after i had them and they did nothing wrong, duh.  My first priority and responsibility is to them.  No one, not ever does anyone come before them.  Not even myself.

Unfortunately, no one else agreed with that except my husband.  Granted, he simply wanted to keep me in his life and was afraid i would just disappear if we split.  It's a justifiable fear considering all the other women in my family had done the same thing to the fathers of their kids.  I was the only one to get married and have all my kids with one man only.  Yea, my biological family has some very undesirable legacies.

I finally felt okay to be me.  I finally let myself be me.  Trouble with that is all the other people our lives are connected with.  Either by choice, chance, or happenstance.  So, four years ago i came out.  It felt good.  Still does.  For all the drama, i don't regret it.

Since i was finally being honest about myself, i found it easier to be honest with others and to expect honesty in return.

The problem is things happened and people formed opinions.  They created ideas and decided judgements.  Oh my...  It never ends.

I just...

Oy.

My words escape me.

A rose and a memory.

The feel of your skin against mine.

Soft.

Warm.

Familiar.

You.

The hug as we part in farewell always last longer than "just friends".  It's our signature.  They way we convince ourselves we're doing the right thing by being apart.  How we tell ourselves to let go this one more time.  Even though it is getting harder and harder to let go.  For us both.

We fit so perfectly together in each other's arms.  Our bodies aligned.  Head to toe.  As if we were made to fit together exactly right every single time we touch.

The urge to reach out and touch you is nearly impossible to resist.  Do you really feel it?  Or am i falling into wishful thinking?  Mayhap i was only dreaming you in the first place...

A desire to be near.

A need to be closer.

A want to be just us.

Only us.

Without the world looking in...

     ...commenting...

     ...persuading...

     ...needing...

     ...talking...

     ...wanting...

     ...provoking...

Us.

Only us.

The world with all it's talk and opinion of what "is" and what "should be" between us.

Do you remember letting the world into us?

Do those shattered pieces of dreams and memories burn you still?

I'm waiting for the silence to come again.  The one you bring and i never have the courage to break.  The silence you need to create because you can't allow the feelings to fill you up.

I know what would happen if you let me fill you with my love...

You would depise yourself because you believe me not good enough for you since i'm not your ideal partner, and you would hate me for loving you so much.

After all, there has to be something, someone better for you, doesn't there?

I believe you deserve so much amazement and fulfillment...
So much more than i can give...

I admit, i settled.
You should never be tamed or tied down.
My baggage is so very heavy...

Will you regret?

Please forgive yourself when i am gone.

After all...
I agreed with your decision...
I let you leave me...
I didn't fight hard enough to keep you...
I was never good enough for you...

Please.  Forgive me.

Forgive yourself.

The sound of your voice took me to the ghosts of memories i have forgotten...

I want to never forget anything about you...
...yet i forget because there is so much time between memories now...

I know you need things to be this way, but maybe you could forgive me when i don't remember something?

I never forget my love for you.  It's part of my soul.  Our memories together are merely details which decorate my love for you.

Memory fades...

In time, all memory fades...

Some day, you will forget to come to me...

Then, i will begin to fade from your memories...

You are my beloved one.

My only beloved.

For all time.

My beloved is lost...

You forgot something when you left...

While you were busy running away and being noble, you forgot something...

In all your reasons of why you couldn't love me as i love you, you forgot something...

When touting your truth as absolute and only, you forgot something...

You forgot about me.

Hovering ever near the surface, plain as the nose on your face, was the lie you told yourself every single day.  All that time... you spent so much time trying to convince yourself that you weren't in love with me... so you robbed us of any chance at the life together we both needed.  We deserved to be happy... together.

You're searching for the perfect forever instead of the one who fits to you perfectly.

You have no notice of the one whose faults balance your own.  You search for one without fault in your eyes.

You left me behind...
Because of my ignorance...
Because of your arrogance...

Maybe there is a better person for you out there.  I hope so.

Of course, maybe i'm the chance you lost.

I hope you get another go.

I didn't.

You said "I love you".

There's a whole lot of nonsense about loving someone, letting them go, and them coming back to you.

Honestly, who believes such drivel? I do. Well, the spirit of it anyway.

It takes tremendous courage to let someone leave you.

Because that is what they are essentially doing.

They are leaving you. And it's terrifying.

To fully allow the exit of someone from our lives.
To silently live with the hope that they'll one day return, but knowing they most likely won't.

It's painful. Very.

Because you can't help but to hope.

That they'll want you again.

Because "I can't be that bad of a person, can i?" is always there. Always.

We need them to need us.

Please need me.

To have the courage to leave...

To live with the terror of not knowing...

To bear the pain of losing them...

I need you.

Maybe we aren't meant to understand.
Maybe it isn't possible.
Maybe things simply get too big. And we have to walk away for a time.
Maybe that's good for us.

If life were scripted, you and i would be together.

Always and forever.

You say things so much better than me. I fail tog ive my feelings adequate words. I can't convey and i come off seeming to be superficial and murky.

I can never find the words i need when what i am saying is so very important.

She is my muse...

All she had to say was "I love you" and the words become mundane. Lost. Even to me.

The magic of words.

Time is needed.
Time is constant yet fickle of each individual's company.
Time is short, yet endless.

We didn't get enough time. Could that be our failing? We believed we had all the time in the world. We were selfish and began to squander what had been so precious to us. In that, we also began to covet each other's time - the time when we were apart...

Could be we forgot the easy, quiet because we foolishly believed we to work for all that is great in our lives. Trouble is, there is no realizing how much greater was our simple existence together.

We allowed the world to dictate and change what we thought WE should be. We let ourselves believe the world's view of us instead of just being what we had always been... us.

I needed a lifetime, yet you wanted forever. It took so long to realize we were seeking the same thing.

I still need you.

That's the trouble with letting go...

We aren't supposed to say those things anymore...

Not even to ourselves...

I think.

We can't help what we feel.

It's the most likely outcome.

It all comes as no surprise really.  Turns out some people don't like the fact that i explain myself.  I give reason for my decisions and actions.  Thorough ones, too.  Maybe my frankness makes them uncomfortable.

My honesty takes away their freedom to pass judgement on me.  The integrity i show makes them feel backed into a corner when they also feel they deserve to be angry, incensed, frustrated, etc.  I induce a transparency, well, that "just isn't fair".

I don't play fair?  Ha!  Wow.  I need to find less shallow people to hang out with.  Not kidding.  Thinking through things and showing my cards, as the saying goes, i actually believed to level the playing field in tough situations.  I essentially create a draw.  Neutral ground.  Isn't that a good thing?

Didn't say i was perfect, did i?  Exactly.

Mayhap i should allow people to come up with their assumptions and then give my reasonings?  Sure.  That's a splendid idea.  Only, i'd also have to deal with the self-righteous indignations their damned assumptions inspired!  You can't win to lose anymore either.

Do open-minded people even exist?  Cause being by myself sucks royal.  Believe it.

Oy.  Well, my ramblings are my own and my words just ran out.

'Night!

I thought about it.

In the mornings, i go to sleep.  I fight the nightmares by refusing to meet them in the night.  The fighting doesn't end.

There was a place in time when i thought i had finally come to the place i could be all my life.  Friends, hard and good times, joys, troubles, etc.  All the things we need to not be lonely in our lifetime.

I was wrong.

People fade.  Times pass into history.  Frankly, things change.  Always.

Years ago i wouldn't have guessed that lonely could feel good.  I relish it now.  Lonely means i'm not wasting my time putting up with other people's nonsense.  I don't have to hold their hands while they decide to act like adults instead of squabbling teenagers who can't find their way out of a box.

Then again...  It's probably my own fault.  I invest too easily because i want to be able to trust.  I want to be trusted.  I want friendships...  Wow.  It is my own fault...  Ouch.

The plague was actually an intellectual creation.  Long before deseased rats began killing off the human population, great thinkers were pondering.  Thoughts.  About everything.  Literally.

Problem with great thinkers is they aren't revered until they're dead and their estate never gets any royalties.  It blows really.  We thinkers spend our entire lives wondering thoughts that wander into our heads.  We're told we're nuts, we need something to occupy us, why don't we think about something "real"...  The downgrading remarks of those who don't believe thinking to be of any use.  Of course, if thinkers didn't think, Edison wouldn't have come up with the light bulb from the idea, reasearch, and failings of Bell and Franklin.

Exactly.

You people who want to tell us we're wasting our time thinking probably ought to look at your electric light bulbs around your home and wonder why your personal one isn't on.

Frankly, i'm tired of being told i'm bonkers.  To find something "real" to do with my time?!  Are we serious?

My thinking has made me a better person, a better parent, a better friend...

If i follow others' theory about thinking and how it's apparently bonkers, then, well, according to their assumptions, friendships are for those who can't/won't/don't think.  I guess they believe friendships are for the simple-minded.  Themselves.

So, i had a friend tell me i can't manage to "keep" friends in my life because i think too much and am thus too serious for people who come into my life to "handle".  So they flee.  Okay.  I can buy that.  Just means i need to find myself some friends who can think, too.

Yea, those who are no longer in my life left behind hurt.  Well, it happens whenever you care about someone.  I care.  Maybe too much.  I don't ever think about that though.  Sometimes i think maybe i misjudged people as being worth my time or not in hindsight.  However, i will never regret loving someone.  Nor will i think about it.  Love, unconditional and freely given, can't hurt anyone.  It enriches our lives and makes the path towards the end just that much gentler.  Love is never wasted.

So, when you think, don't forget.  Act.  Without action, you can't achieve what you've been pondering.  ~_^

Think.  Be.  Live.

In the end it doesn't really matter.

People don't care if you've sincerely apologized or not.  They only care about their feelings and perceptions.  If you apologize, it will only be accepted if the person decides you're worth it.  Most times you aren't worth their consideration because they believe they'll lose something of themselves by forgiving.  Gods forbid we forgive.  End of story.

I said sorry.  I grovelled.  I chased.  It didn't work.  Oh well.  I'm learning to just not care anymore.

People aren't worth the emotional investment.  Seriously.

In realtionships you are supposed to be able to work issues out.  Talk, argue, and make ammends.  How can you do that when every single time you try to address an issue you're accused of creating drama?!  It makes no sense.  We go literally months without an issue and then, when there is one, i say something about it only to be told i am just trying to create drama.  Wtf people?!

I take the time to listen to others' issues with me, make ammends, and, hopefully, fix whatever flaw in my character that created the issue in the first place...  Then, as soon as i believe i can do the same, BAM, i'm only creating drama...  It gets to where you start to think those people aren't worth the time and effort you took to maintain any relationship.

Then, i wonder if i am the waste of time.  If i can't find friends who are willing to invest in me the way i invest in them, maybe it's me.  Maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with me.  What else could it be?

Why do i bother?  Why do i waste my time?  With anything.  Oy.

I have a best friend.  Who doesn't really listen and gets besides himself when i am upset or in a bad mood.  All he needs is for "it" to just go away.  Everything is great until i need someone to talk to or vent with.  How dare i expect anyone to take time away from their own interests to be my friend...?  I know that's not what a "real" best friend is supposed to be like, but it's what i have to work with.

Everyone in my life is happy with me as long as i am contented with life.  So, i lie.  A lot.  "Yes, i'm good."  "Hehe.  Yea."  "I'm so glad to hear that!"  And so on and so on...  As soon as i say i'm not happy, not everything is okay, i don't feel good, etc., i'm persona non grata.  Numero uno.

Maybe it's me.  But i can't see what in me "it" is...

I'm generally happy and or contented a majority of the time.  I rarely can't work through my problems on my own so i don't often say that i'm not doing so good.

I'm strong.  In who i am.  In what i believe.  In how i view the world around me.

I'm damn honest.  Brutally so at times.  I already know people don't appreciate that like they say they do.  It's one of the phallacies people put in place to protect themselves and make them appear a better person.  They like the truth.  As long as it aligns with their own perception of it.

I love easily.  Could be that means i also love cheaply.  Stands to reason.  Just wish i knew how to change that...

My words are worn out.  Time to end this for now.